“We have doomed the Wolf not for what it is, but for what we have deliberately and mistakenly perceived it to be.. the mythologized epitome of a savage, ruthless killer.. which is, in reality no more than a reflexed image of ourself."
~ Farley Mowat
I have a new project and I'm looking forward to it.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Momentary loss of control - lingering tensions
No control over the situation, in a vehicle that had changed course with only enough warning to simply offer discomfort - no time for strategy. Only enough warning to suggest that at some point in the next two to three seconds we would have to endure an impact of some sort - this is the only way this vehicle stops and there is nothing we can do about it.
Six days ago I found myself spinning off of a highway at 80 KM/H, trapped in a vessel of perspective changing plastics.
It is surprising just how many decipherable thoughts are successfully processed in fractions of sections; this could have been it; I remember thinking...
- no cars coming, good.
- just how steep is the bank of this road
- we're definitely going to be hurt, which is fine. I just don't want to be paralyzed or badly burned. I'd rather die than live remotely close to vegetative state.
- This is fucked.
We hit the ditch. A mound of melting snow that embraces us like a mother who gently welcomes home their lost child - no shame, just relief. A pillow of second chance, like a now, in my mid-late 20s smelling a vanilla scented scratch and sniff - I am reminded of feeling innocent; a spectator to the hands that guide my life. No control, but comfortable. This isn't my fault, it is no one's fault, but I feel some burden.
My hands are shaking, my roommate and I do a quick check of all of our parts - temporarily neglecting the raw and rampant energy that courses through veins. If a feelings talk comes up right now, we will break down. Lets keep this focussed, task oriented. O.K.
Just. get. busy.
Dogs are alive. We're alive. Car is sitting on its side - lets climb out the passenger side door. Tow truck is on its way. Two hours of wait is nothing compared to what could have been.
I think I've been processing this event nearly every minute of each of the six days between then and now and it has been quite taxing. As if something shook the core of my self. Totally not invincible, definitely care about continuing; if not improving on my functionality.
I am also very tired of winter.
listen to this if you want.
Monday, January 31, 2011
act of god
My best friend in the world
Before I get in to my thoughts on Act of God, I'd like to point out a funny figure from IMDb. In the films opening week it made 522 bucks. I haven't bothered to research the budget on the film, but it looks so clean yet the shots have a raw and kind of grainy quality to them. Of course there is a lot of 'home' footage used in the film... wait.. why am I talking about this? I really don't know a god damn thing about moviefilm making... RAMBLE ON!
The documentary addresses the stories of several different people who have been struck by lightning and how they view their own experience. In depth, the film manages to take in account the full spectrum of reason. From gods of lightning and thunder to simple chance, the abstract principles or metaphysical effects are carefully addressed. While some stories of these 'acts' appear playful at moments, there is a general tone of despair from each representative, even if they have put this act in the hands of god or state they have come to terms with the event. To be blunt, they all seem pretty fuckin' bummed out to me, forever changed.
I'll never be good at writing about movies, so be it. I was captivated by this one, so... dearest reader, all zero of you - if you get a chance, check it out. It looks and sounds great, it highlights our biggest questions in life, but in the framework of a lightning strike.
I decided to skip bootcamp today. Feeling pretty run down lately, had an intense hockey game last night, have the 'monday nighter' tonight. The Monday Nighter involves an informal game of hockey with folks who are leagues better than me, so I have to skate a lot harder to get involved in the game. Its a ton of fun, and a good challenge for me.
In lieu of the gym, I am going to do 45 minutes of core exercises, some weights, and walk over to the liquor store. yup.
Deaden (a band I'm in) is playing a show February 8th at War on Music with our pals Scab Smoker and Wolbachia. It should be a great show. We'll be playing some new stuff that I am pretty excited about.
Started a new project with my good buddy "Joe" called Winding Shadows, the writing process is getting some legs, I'm hopeful for another good jam on Wednesday.
I'm fairly certain there are better words out there that will better describe my knowledge on current state of Egypt. It seems to have 'calmed' to a degree, and if the fear of being shot seems to be slowly dissipating quickly leads to my opinion of 'things calming' then I've already given some commentary on the amount of life and death situations I have faced in my life. There have been a couple, however in no instance have I had the barrel in site so to speak. Anyways, it appears that groups of young people have formed in the absence of police to monitor entrance in to their communities. My distrust and hope for the nature of humankind is at war inside my tiny brain right now. My distrust stems from where power draws us, my hope tells me that finally... fucking finally this is happening, a community in the hands of people.
I really just don't know what I am talking about.
youtube music for today:
Friday, January 21, 2011
waiting for the shower
I've enrolled myself in a fitness bootcamp. Why?
There a couple of main points, the first being that I have stumbled upon injury on a few occasions over the last few months and I am simply not healing as fast I used to.
At a certain the point the body just is no longer interested in what the mind thinks it should, I think this vessel of mine is at that crossroads.
Secondly, I just want to be more able. I have found myself saying 'no' to various adventures over my adult life because I am fearful that my body won't be able to keep up or handle the pressure. I was lucky enough to be born with a respiratory system that is decent, limbs that are functional, and a brain that can do most simple math problems and the occasional cross word - hell, I've even made it through a shotty college course with honours. I guess I am learning that there is just no sense in wasting this privilege.
That all said, there is a mental toughness that I need to acquire... or rather build on. I've missed one class now as result of a my idiocy and forgetfulness, other than that I've been to all classes. Today, to be honest, I feel a little bit discouraged as I was unable to do some of the exercises. Simply do not have the physical ability... yet. yet! This is a process and its going to take some time, probably more than six weeks of boot camp, and I just really need to be O.K with that. Being O.K with it to a degree, there is a necessary push that has to come from the mind that I am admittedly often lacking. Whether it be at the gym, on the ice, or even in life matters generally. Enrolling for school, budgeting, reading books instead of floating between facebook and hockey highlights... these things just have to happen, yet I find myself avoiding and/or finding ways to not do them. Time to get tough, and time to see a counsellor!
Today at class our warm consisted of: Sprinting up the stairs x3, after that, more stairs with five push ups between each level. We did this about six times. After that we began our circuit, which consisted of 60 skipping jumps, 15 push ups, 15 kettle bell things, 15 arm kettle lifts, 20 lunges - we did this three times. After that we ended with some core exercises... and this is where I got discouraged. I could do the russian twists, but had trouble with the toe touches (lie on yer back, feet to the sky, and touch 'em), and boat rockers.
The solution to this is to stretch more and start working those core muscles I guess. Fuuuuuck.
Next time I write on here it will be about music or something. something less jocky.
In the meantime: If you are a dude, or know a dude who is terrified of crying, interested in domestic violence (they oughta be!), and gender analysis, power role analysis. Check this out, it might be a good starter. This is a link to part one, there are nine.
on the music front:
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Time to disappear for a while
Surrounded by a number of great people, people that I like. Yet, I was once again unable to converse, unable to hear things properly, unable to keep the head in line. I'm not a nervous person, but sometimes I just cannot socialize... I get anxious and fuck up words, lose the meaning of what people are saying to me because I'm both hard of hearing and feeling paranoid.
Are they making a joke? fuck! is it about me? shit man, i better laugh this one off! did I even just make a sound??? Fuck, if I laugh again it will be too late and then weird, right?? shit, why do i try to quit smoking - this is a perfect time for one! If I was drunk I would be fine.. should I just chance it and drink? but if tonight doesn't go well, i'll be home, drunk, and depressed.. scary depressed! Fuck, where the fuck are they in this conversation? tits... again? Oh right right, the song about boobs. am i supposed to laugh? this is kind of funny! it is funny! but i can't laugh now. should it read 'shit, man. i better laugh this one off?' or.. they way i see it on the chalkboard in my head. i should just have more beer. fuck, that dude understands he'll lend a smoke. fuck, you asshole - you alllllways bum smokes when you quit. and it never lasts. no you absolutely cannot ask for one. ok, fine... deal. i'm gunna see if i can pull a drag off of this other dude's smoke. i alway give him darts. sweet a smoke. i really don't want to give this back to him. fuck how long have i been thinking about this? is he staring at the smoke? ok one more... no.. two more puffs and you gotta give it back. fuck! you asshole! why did you give it back after just one. i should go back in. am i being rude? its not rude to go inside. does it look rude? yes. no. is it rude to not have anything important to say? no wonder your single you asshole. haha, good one!
Keeping this inner dialogue up for four hours is fucking exhausting. its frustrating. it will never stop... this will always be an issue for me that I can count on returning with out notice, with out mercy.
I just want to play the same chord 96 times and slow things down.
pack one.
Friday, August 27, 2010
A Quickie
- I purchased a brand spankin' new SWR Working Pro 700 bass head today. "Google it" if you care to read reviews or whatever. Jammed with it tonight and it sounded fantastic, definitely looking forward to having the fucker paid off so I can move on to a new cabinet. This purchase doesn't really fit in to my financial health plan, but I don't really care about too much these days so why not go all in?
- Checked out the Haggatha show at the Rudolph Rocker Cultural Centre the other night. I haven't been disappointed by a show in a really long time. GRIMHORSE solidified themselves as one of my favourite bands. They do such a great job of setting an atmosphere - there is an artistic element to their sets that I really enjoy. Its subtle, but really hits home. Killer DOOM, I can't wait to play with them again. Next up was PRAGUE... haven't had a chance to see them play in a really long time, mind you, I don't think they have played in a really long time. In any event, they were impressive as always, and I am pretty certain played an entirely new set from the last time I had the pleasure of seeing them. Extremely proficient, technically sound, and a handful to comprehend. I'm bad at this.. whatever, they were fucking good. Darcy and Craig strike again. Third on the bill was WOLBACHIA. Another band I haven't checked out in a number of months.. well worth the fucking wait. I was crushed by their set and I don't think I stopped smiling once. Blasting drums, weirdo timings from the strings, and gruff as fuck vocals. They added a number of slower more brutal parts to their set that really got the crowds head a bobbin'.. I don't know how bands do what they do... it sounds too hard. hah.
HAGGATHA closed out the show with an absolutely crushing set, I was in total mouth breather mode as I couldn't seem to get my jaw up off the ground. Nothing overtly technical, it is doom after all, but very precise changes, creative tempo changes, but more than anything else just a really dense sound creating a lot of tension. Mike summed it up best by saying, "thats one way to tell the world to fuck right off".
I have photos from the show posted in the photos section. Just some shots of GRIMHORSE so far, I'll try to get the rest posted by mid-next week.
-Deaden along with 10 or more other great Winnipeg acts are heading to Foul Copse fest tomorrow. We're going on around 10:00 p.m I believe. I'm really fucking thrilled to be playing this show, so many good bands, so many wonderful people, a lake, camping... fuck. Just what the doctor ordered. Go relax, adster.. you're allowed to.
-Still not sleeping as well as I would like to be. Cue the 2:25am posting.
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