Time to disappear for a while

Surrounded by a number of great people, people that I like. Yet, I was once again unable to converse, unable to hear things properly, unable to keep the head in line. I'm not a nervous person, but sometimes I just cannot socialize... I get anxious and fuck up words, lose the meaning of what people are saying to me because I'm both hard of hearing and feeling paranoid. 

Are they making a joke? fuck! is it about me? shit man, i better laugh this one off! did I even just make a sound??? Fuck, if I laugh again it will be too late and then weird, right?? shit, why do i try to quit smoking - this is a perfect time for one! If I was drunk I would be fine.. should I just chance it and drink? but if tonight doesn't go well, i'll be home, drunk, and depressed.. scary depressed! Fuck, where the fuck are they in this conversation? tits... again? Oh right right, the song about boobs. am i supposed to laugh? this is kind of funny! it is funny! but i can't laugh now. should it read 'shit, man. i better laugh this one off?' or.. they way i see it on the chalkboard in my head. i should just have more beer. fuck, that dude understands he'll lend a smoke. fuck, you asshole - you alllllways bum smokes when you quit. and it never lasts. no you absolutely cannot ask for one. ok, fine... deal. i'm gunna see if i can pull a drag off of this other dude's smoke. i alway give him darts. sweet a smoke. i really don't want to give this back to him. fuck how long have i been thinking about this? is he staring at the smoke? ok one more... no.. two more puffs and you gotta give it back. fuck! you asshole! why did you give it back after just one. i should go back in. am i being rude? its not rude to go inside. does it look rude? yes. no. is it rude to not have anything important to say? no wonder your single you asshole. haha, good one!

Keeping this inner dialogue up for four hours is fucking exhausting. its frustrating. it will never stop... this will always be an issue for me that I can count on returning with out notice, with out mercy. 

I just want to play the same chord 96 times and slow things down. 

pack one. 

 

Figuring Out What Matters

Still unclear. 

A Quickie

- I purchased a brand spankin' new SWR Working Pro 700 bass head today. "Google it" if you care to read reviews or whatever. Jammed with it tonight and it sounded fantastic, definitely looking forward to having the fucker paid off so I can move on to a new cabinet. This purchase doesn't really fit in to my financial health plan, but I don't really care about too much these days so why not go all in?

- Checked out the Haggatha show at the Rudolph Rocker Cultural Centre the other night. I haven't been disappointed by a show in a really long time. GRIMHORSE solidified themselves as one of my favourite bands. They do such a great job of setting an atmosphere - there is an artistic element to their sets that I really enjoy. Its subtle, but really hits home. Killer DOOM, I can't wait to play with them again. Next up was PRAGUE... haven't had a chance to see them play in a really long time, mind you, I don't think they have played in a really long time. In any event, they were impressive as always, and I am pretty certain played an entirely new set from the last time I had the pleasure of seeing them. Extremely proficient, technically sound, and a handful to comprehend. I'm bad at this.. whatever, they were fucking good. Darcy and Craig strike again. Third on the bill was WOLBACHIA. Another band I haven't checked out in a number of months.. well worth the fucking wait. I was crushed by their set and I don't think I stopped smiling once. Blasting drums, weirdo timings from the strings, and gruff as fuck vocals. They added a number of slower more brutal parts to their set that really got the crowds head a bobbin'.. I don't know how bands do what they do... it sounds too hard. hah.

HAGGATHA closed out the show with an absolutely crushing set, I was in total mouth breather mode as I couldn't seem to get my jaw up off the ground. Nothing overtly technical, it is doom after all, but very precise changes, creative tempo changes, but more than anything else just a really dense sound creating a lot of tension. Mike summed it up best by saying, "thats one way to tell the world to fuck right off". 

I have photos from the show posted in the photos section. Just some shots of GRIMHORSE so far, I'll try to get the rest posted by mid-next week.

-Deaden along with 10 or more other great Winnipeg acts are heading to Foul Copse fest tomorrow. We're going on around 10:00 p.m I believe. I'm really fucking thrilled to be playing this show, so many good bands, so many wonderful people, a lake, camping... fuck. Just what the doctor ordered. Go relax, adster.. you're allowed to.

-Still not sleeping as well as I would like to be. Cue the 2:25am posting.

hard thoughts

I've been struggling to find closure in a part of my life recently, and I've been frantically trying to figure out how to go about getting it with out the use of blame. What I think I am most confident in is that in this particular case, I don't know what exactly it is I need to be mad at. An illness, and lapse of judgement, myself? Fuck, it seems like they all apply, but yet it gets me no where. Actually, when I do lose my head momentarily and start calling thing - thoughts, actions, people out, it is very markedly so, that I in fact lose a little bit more balance, and near a frightening height and get closer to the edge of complete loathing for almost everything. 

I am so frustrated with myself. 

I need sleep as well. 

'i too am tired now

embracing thoughts of tonight's sleepless dream..

my head is empty

my toes are warm

i am safe from harm.'

Man

I used to have a car, and I used to drive people to the beach with it. Now I don't have a car, and I sit here and sweat. 

sweet old friend

not a day goes by, partner.

start over

Tyendinaga