Time to disappear for a while

Surrounded by a number of great people, people that I like. Yet, I was once again unable to converse, unable to hear things properly, unable to keep the head in line. I'm not a nervous person, but sometimes I just cannot socialize... I get anxious and fuck up words, lose the meaning of what people are saying to me because I'm both hard of hearing and feeling paranoid. 

Are they making a joke? fuck! is it about me? shit man, i better laugh this one off! did I even just make a sound??? Fuck, if I laugh again it will be too late and then weird, right?? shit, why do i try to quit smoking - this is a perfect time for one! If I was drunk I would be fine.. should I just chance it and drink? but if tonight doesn't go well, i'll be home, drunk, and depressed.. scary depressed! Fuck, where the fuck are they in this conversation? tits... again? Oh right right, the song about boobs. am i supposed to laugh? this is kind of funny! it is funny! but i can't laugh now. should it read 'shit, man. i better laugh this one off?' or.. they way i see it on the chalkboard in my head. i should just have more beer. fuck, that dude understands he'll lend a smoke. fuck, you asshole - you alllllways bum smokes when you quit. and it never lasts. no you absolutely cannot ask for one. ok, fine... deal. i'm gunna see if i can pull a drag off of this other dude's smoke. i alway give him darts. sweet a smoke. i really don't want to give this back to him. fuck how long have i been thinking about this? is he staring at the smoke? ok one more... no.. two more puffs and you gotta give it back. fuck! you asshole! why did you give it back after just one. i should go back in. am i being rude? its not rude to go inside. does it look rude? yes. no. is it rude to not have anything important to say? no wonder your single you asshole. haha, good one!

Keeping this inner dialogue up for four hours is fucking exhausting. its frustrating. it will never stop... this will always be an issue for me that I can count on returning with out notice, with out mercy. 

I just want to play the same chord 96 times and slow things down. 

pack one.